Relationship Issues & Breakups

Being in a complicated relationship or experiencing a breakup or a divorce can be painful and tough to navigate; it can also affect your mental health. This guide will help you identify your emotions, explore opportunities for growth, and find resources to help you cope with loss.

Man and woman holding hands, sitting on the couch

What are relationship issues and breakups?

If you're feeling heartbroken or worried about a relationship, it can be tough to focus on anything else. The end of a relationship can feel a lot like grief; the loss of a partner can be devastating. It doesn't help that our culture tells us, through media like movies, literature, and music, that romance is extremely important, more so than any other kind of relationship. It's true, though, that humans have a biological need for support and intimacy, and romantic relationships serve a different function from our friendships and family relationships.

These relationships can look different to different people and can involve different genders or numbers of partners, but are often mutual, ongoing interactions that involve expressions of emotions towards each other like intimacy and affection.

But, there’s an explanation for why humans are constantly reimagining relationships: They take work if you want them to continue to run like a well-oiled machine. There is no perfect relationship or one-size-fits-all experience, however. Having a healthy relationship is hard and can affect your mental health—especially given the stressors and isolation that have become more common with modern living.

For example, the pandemic has had a (mostly unhelpful) impact on relationships: Divorces, as well as domestic violence and intimate partner violence (IPV) skyrocketed. Due to specific stressors, people who had or have unstable incomes, who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and/or identify as part of a minority community were more likely to report relationship issues and major breakups post-2020. Of course, relationship challenges are not new with the pandemic, but it did compound many existing issues and created new ones.

The bottom line is that no relationship is without challenge, no matter how shiny and happy things may appear in popular media. Though it may take some work, identifying stressors in relationships, openly discussing feelings, and working through them individually and together, can help create a thriving relationship that brings a lot of joy to life.

What's causing my relationship issues or breakup?

Breakups and relationship challenges can be complicated but it's important to identify the source of the issues. If you're feeling unsafe in your relationship, it's important to seek immediate support. Abuse and mistreatment should not be tolerated in any relationship, and there are resources available to help you navigate this.

Mental health struggles can complicate relationships. You or your partner may not want to blame one another for feeling down, but still find it hard to cope with the symptoms of conditions like depression and anxiety. Mental health conditions can also arise as a consequence of relationship issues; for example, abuse in relationships can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and grief from the loss of a partner can morph into longer-term depression. It's important to seek support that is sensitive to your specific experiences and needs.

Other factors causing relationship problems include:

Financial difficulties
Substance use and addiction
Lack of intimacy or sex life
Codependency (when one or both people rely on each other to an unhealthy extent)
Family conflict
Communication breakdowns, including passive aggression, unspoken or unresolved conflicts, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling

Unhealthy relationship patterns can be subtle and hard to recognize. Some warning signs include:

Infidelity
Not respecting personal space or other boundaries
Creating a power imbalance or needing control over a partner’s life
Feeling neglected, abandoned or unsupported
Not prioritizing the relationship
Loss of interest in the other person

An unhealthy relationship can morph into a toxic and abusive one. There are some signs your partner may be toxic or abusive:

Intentional and constant disrespect, belittling, and criticism
Manipulation and gaslighting
Financial control
Isolation from other loved ones
Verbal abuse and insults
Physical abuse or threats
Sexual abuse or pressure

If the toxicity has escalated to abuse, it can be hard to leave, but is often necessary to protect you and/or your family and may require law enforcement support.

Breakups—especially separation and divorce—can take a huge toll on your well-being. Regardless of the reasons for it and who called it off with whom, a breakup is an adjustment. It is also a loss and can trigger the grieving process and ruminations on “why.” Recovering is a process that is often non-linear, but a crucial step is learning to recognize your value and the value you can bring to a future relationship.

What are some emotions, moods, and life experiences associated with breakups and relationship issues?

Dealing with problems in your relationship can be stressful and hurtful. Below are some feelings you may be having as you process a breakup or relationship challenge.

How can I cope with breakup or a relationship issue?

There are three main ways to start developing strong relationships that are in your control. Understanding what you can and cannot control is a significant step in healing.

1. Build your self-esteem

Having challenges in a relationship does not mean something is wrong with you that needs changing, but it can be helpful to better understand yourself alone and with a partner. Doing so can help you to recognize your value. A few things that can help do that include:

Treat your body (which includes your mind) well. It is not selfish to focus on yourself and understand how you feel and what makes you feel better (to cope). You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people.
Set personal boundaries. Saying no is a challenging but complete sentence. Allow yourself time and space to do things that make you happy as an individual, and set limits where you can in your relationship.
Imagine the life you want. Sometimes we never think about what we value and matters to us in a relationship until we are struggling. Take the time to reflect, and understand what you want for yourself and yourself in a relationship.

2. Develop your communication skills

In all aspects of our life, communication is important, so truly understanding how to communicate well with someone else can help you universally and not just in romantic relationships. Some ideas include:

“Don’t react; respond.” Actively listen to your partner, then take a beat. Digest what they’re communicating before letting knee-jerk emotions get the best of you, and you say the first thing on your mind.
Focus on emotions over blame. Start with the words “I feel” when discussing tough topics instead of “you did.”. This prevents finger-pointing and makes conversations more productive. It also focuses on how you are doing, not someone else.
Schedule focused time to check-in. Life can get busy—consider setting up a regular weekly distraction-free time to talk with your partner. This can include couple’s therapy, where you can work more specifically on issues and communication with a neutral observer.

3. Know when to move on

Part of having a healthy relationship is knowing when one is no longer healthy or right for you. If you’re going through a breakup or are considering one, have an honest conversation with yourself:

Understand the potential disconnect.
- What’s truly getting in the way of having a strong and supportive connection with a partner?
- How could getting better at communicating help or not help?
- How have you contributed to past relationship challenges (which may explain a pattern that is coming up in this one)?
Figure out if you’re willing to do the work.
- Are you willing to put the work in to save a relationship? Both you and your partner need to answer that question separately.
Explore different solutions that make sense for the relationship.
- What have you tried so far?
- What are you willing to try in the future?
- What’s off-limits for you?
Accept what’s out of your control.
- Is the relationship toxic? Some people are unwilling to change their ways.
- Are you actually a good fit? It’s a sign—albeit not a dealbreaker—if you and a partner have dramatically different ways of approaching life.

It may seem incredibly challenging, but if you want to end a relationship, you can and are strong enough to do so. Once you make the decision, let your family and friends know you’ll need their support detaching from your partner in a healthy way. Do your best to limit interactions with your partner during the breakup process, including social media. Finally, cut yourself some slack and try to be self-compassionate: Whatever you’re feeling is OK. A crucial part of moving on is accepting the loss you’re undertaking.

Things to Try

Getting over the loss of a partner can be challenging. There are some things you can try to make the days easier and bring some lightness back to your life.

Do that new thing you've been meaning to try

Ask for support from friends and family

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Create an upbeat playlist

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Plan out an enjoyable day

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More Things To Try

How can I help a loved one cope with a breakup or relationship issue?

If a loved one is going through relationship challenges or a tough breakup, the best thing you can do is offer them a judgment-free, safe space to get back on track. If your loved one is dealing with a relationship strain, but in particular a toxic or abusive relationship, it’s normal for you to need support in helping them. Consider joining forces with others who know your loved one to identify potential solutions and consider outside support. That being said, don’t force anything, as it may result in pushing them away. There’s only so much you can do, and ultimately, it must be your loved one’s decision to leave a toxic partner.

Make uninterrupted time for them. It can feel like the only person they have is their partner, and without them, they have nothing. Show them why that is not true. If possible, meet your loved one in person as often as you can and be a shoulder to lean on and remind them they aren’t alone.
Let them vent. Act as a compassionate sounding board—allow them to talk freely and openly. Avoid judging them or their partner with things like “I never liked him anyway.”
Offer to join them in taking on new hobbies, activities or routines. Having things to do can be helpful in the setting of a loss. Encourage your loved one to do things with you, like exercise together, taking a class, or going to a show. It can help with self-discovery and self-esteem and even help them avoid turning to substances or oversleeping and isolation to cope.
Check in and be patient. Sometimes people have a tendency to isolate when they’re going through a tough time. Reach out often, and be understanding when you may not receive a response each time. Let them know you are there, and not going anywhere.
Reassure them of their value. Remind them that people love them, why they’re loved, and that they deserve love and happiness.
Help them get connected to external support: If your loved one’s relationship is affecting their mental health, encourage them to connect with a therapist and even a couples counselor. Some people might also experience regular toxic relationship patterns and prefer groups on the topic.

What resources are available for coping with a breakup or relationship issue?

Taking care of yourself and seeking support for your feelings is the most important part of dealing with a breakup or problem in your relationship. There are resources you can find for immediate and longer-term healing.

Website
Man Therapy
Helpline | Online Live Chat | Text line
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Helpline | Online Live Chat
National Sexual Assault Hotline | Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

More Resources

What are some mental health conditions associated with breakups and relationship issues?

Relationship issues and breakups can be related to, or worsen, certain mental health conditions. Learn more about these mental health conditions and how you can find support.