Family Conflict

A lot of families fight, but chronic, strained familial relationships can contribute to life and mental health challenges. Explore the impact of family conflict and find productive ways to manage your relationships and protect your peace.

What is family conflict?

Family conflict takes many forms, and most people experience family conflict in one way or another. Sometimes, it's as simple and innocuous as a small disagreement over dinner. But sometimes, fights become recurring and leave deep emotional wounds. Or, maybe your family is emotionally distant, and your relationships are not what you'd hope they'd be.

Whether you’re the parent, the sibling or the child, family dynamics can be a significant cause of stress or emotional distress in our lives. This is especially true during certain times of the year, like holidays or family events, or because of certain stressors like going away to school, divorce, finances and caregiving.

Many of us know the feeling of trying to talk to a family member and feeling resentful, sad, anxious or angry. Sometimes arguments feel like they come out of nowhere. This can make us feel powerless and can lead to a strained relationship.

You might limit your contact or keep your relationships surface-level. You might also decide to stop communication altogether, which is called estrangement. Ongoing conflict or estrangement have a huge impact on your mental health. While every family is different, there are a few common signs of family conflict that you can identify that might have a lasting impact on your mental health:

Small disagreements that quickly escalate into shouting or screaming
Passive aggressive comments (indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them)
Prolonged periods of silence (without contact) following an argument or disagreement
Mutual enabling of self-destructive behaviors, such as substance use (for example, lying for someone or freely giving them money to fund substance use)
Self-blame for challenging relationships, leading to trouble sleeping or stress
Physical abuse (in any form)
Emotional abuse (for example, constant criticism, name-calling, yelling, swearing and verbal threats)
Neglect (failing to take care of, or be cared for, as a loved one)

If you find yourself filled with dread or anxiety about upcoming gatherings or seeing one or more family members in particular, it could be that you’ve reached a point when change needs to be made or boundaries formed. It’s worthwhile to figure out effective strategies you can use to avoid and de-escalate friction rather than let your relationship deteriorate over time, which could have a negative impact on other (non-family) relationships and on your overall mindset.

If your concerns are parenting-related, visit SoundItOutTogether.org. Sound It Out was created to help parents and their children grow deeper connections through activities such as exploring the Conversation Starter Pack, or listening to music.

What causes family conflict?

Family conflict and disagreements are caused by many things, and range from petty arguments to larger unresolved issues. Sometimes, arguments start over small misunderstandings but represent bigger problems from the past. There are some common reasons why family members disagree.

There are a few factors that can often be a source of conflict:

Perceived disrespect can cut very deep, particularly when it comes from a person you care about.
Financial stress can weigh heavily on close relationships and be a source of stress and conflict.
Caregiving, either for children or a loved one, can cause a lot of friction, often over miscommunication or disagreements about roles and responsibilities.
Philosophical differences related to religion, politics or any number of issues can cause a big rift, sometimes between people who previously got along very well.
Unexpected life challenges such as a divorce, medical issues or losing a loved one can increase stress and can strain even the closest relationships.
Big events, like the holidays or family trips are a lot of work to plan and often involve a lot of personalities in the same place, which can lead to challenging dynamics.

Noticing these stressors and your own internal reactions to them is the first step. You can then try to find a healthy way to address it to try to improve your relationships, if that is what you want, while also prioritizing taking care of yourself.

When it comes to most family issues, many misunderstandings can be resolved with clearer communication and a better understanding of the other person’s perspective. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to agree with someone’s worldview to understand it and how it makes them feel.

Keep in mind, however, that sometimes distance and boundaries are necessary to protect yourself in challenging relationships, and you may even need to end a relationship. This is never an easy decision but sometimes is the necessary one.

What are some emotions, moods, and life experiences associated with family conflict?

Dealing with a rift in a family relationship can feel overwhelming and painful. Disconnection from family can also cause a negative ripple effect in your life. Below are some experiences commonly associated with family conflict.

How can I cope with family conflict?

Dealing with family conflict can be difficult, and depends on the severity of the issue. If you feel fearful of violence, physical harm, emotional abuse, or neglect from family members, you should seek out support immediately. There are resources available to help you cope and find safety.

If you’re currently involved in an ongoing conflict or disagreement with a loved one, there are a few potential things you can consider:

Try to accept that there’s no perfect solution. Every person and situation is different. Sometimes the best possible solution may feel imperfect and involve compromise.
Express that you want things to be better. Aligning with your loved one about wanting to make an improvement to your relationship opens the door to achieving that together.
Talk and listen with an open mind. You don’t have to agree with what they have to say, but calmly listening and reflecting can help you understand where they’re coming from and what other issues may be bubbling under the surface. Try to use “I feel statements” (“I feel worried when you come home late” or “I feel hurt”) instead of blaming the other person.
Be patient. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Take care of yourself and give yourself the space you need to address family drama in a way that supports your feelings, too. You have to take care of yourself first before you can truly take care of others.
Set and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are key to supporting your own mental health and even preserving the relationship when it comes to family conflict. This can involve anything from limiting conversations to certain topics or limiting the length of time you spend at an event. If someone crosses a boundary, you can be clear and direct to them about it.

Things to Try

Whether you want to create long-term coping strategies or find some tools for calming down in the moment, below are some activities to explore when dealing with family conflict.

Try the 4-7-8 relaxing breathing technique

Be vulnerable

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Get introspective

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Text or call someone to say you care about them

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More Things To Try

How can I help a loved one cope with family conflict?

If you’re helping someone heal or reconnect with a loved one that they have a strained relationship with, let them know that you can be a reliable sounding board for working toward a solution.

Here are a few approaches to consider when trying to help someone improve a fractured relationship with a loved one:

Encourage them to set a goal before beginning the interaction. This allows them to focus their actions on that goal and not get sidetracked by unrelated issues or past conflicts.
Help them focus on reducing stress, staying calm, and avoid bickering or shouting. Remind them that communicating with a raised voice won’t help them accomplish their goal, and help them notice when they get angry and find ways to take a break or refocus the conversation. Encourage them to use phrases such as “I feel that you are telling me …” to frame conversations and to avoid making assumptions about where the friction is coming from.
Work with them to identify ways to explore the other person’s perspective and the context surrounding why they feel the way they do. Role-playing conversations and helping them write them out ahead of time are great ways to prevent emotions from getting in the way in the moment.
Help them to define and enforce healthy boundaries. Don’t push them to force conversation. While someone can have the right intentions in wanting to mend a relationship, it’s also important for everyone to respect each other’s needs.
Help them take care of themselves first. It is important that your loved one notices how the family conflict is affecting their own mental health. Encourage them to come up with skills and strategies to better deal with the situation. They might also need to speak to a therapist for additional support or seek out couples or family counseling together.

Most importantly, make sure your loved one doesn’t engage in any interaction you feel might threaten their safety and that they know when to leave a conversation or situation.

What resources are available for coping with family conflict?

Though it can be difficult to cope with family conflict, you aren't alone. It's possible to heal your connections or forge your own path forward. Check out these resources and tools designed to help you find support.

Helpline
Parent Stress Line | Parents Helping Parents
Website | Online interactive tool(s)
Sound It Out Together
Articles | Website
Your Guide to Coping with an Angry Teenager

More Resources

What are some mental health conditions associated with family conflict?

Family conflict can be the root of, or worsen, certain mental health conditions. Explore those conditions below to learn more.