Shame

A common consequence of making a mistake is feeling guilty. Guilt is an emotion associated with regretful behavior, decisions, and actions. Shame, versus guilt, makes you feel like you are a bad person, through and through. It can come with feelings of self-disgust, the feeling that you are a disgrace, that you are unworthy of love, and that you should hide your true feelings, interests, and identity. The origins of shame are often complex and deeply personal to each individual.

When you do something wrong, a common consequence is feeling guilty. Guilt is an emotion associated with regretful behaviors, decisions, and actions. If you struggle with guilt, you may overly fixate on past wrongdoings, sometimes to the point of panic or depression. 

But if processed well, guilt can be motivating and energizing. It can teach you what not to do in the future, and it can even inspire big life changes (like dedicating more time to helping others).

People feel shame about certain parts of themselves and their identities, usually things they can't help but still carry negative associations. These associations are called stigma. Stigma is a set of negative assumptions about certain people or identities that can wedge their way into how we think about ourselves.

Exposure to stigma over time is damaging. If you are told over and over that who you are is wrong or bad, it makes sense that you would carry that feeling with you. 

Trauma is also a source of shame for many. Bullying, abuse, neglect, and violence undoubtedly create emotional wounds. Trauma has a strange tendency to cause people to blame themselves for bad things that happened to them, even when they weren’t their fault. 

Historically, discrimination and prejudice imposed a heavy burden of shame for many LGBTQ+ people. This feeling of shame isn't inherent to having an LGBTQ+ identity, and it looks different for everyone. For individuals, the experience of shame can be explained through the intersection of three factors:

A helpful way to think about the connection between shame and anti-LGBTQ+ stigma is the minority stress framework. The experience of shame can be explained as a result of the combination of distal factors (things like hatred, prejudice, rejection), proximal factors (internalized homophobia, transphobia, and similar stigma) and resilience factors (like pride, community, and cultural celebration).

Though much progress has been made to destigmatize both mental health conditions and LGBTQ+ identity, conversion therapy is still widely practiced in many states. The assumption that being yourself is a disease continues to create unwarranted shame for LGBTQ+ folks.

Now that you know more about shame, you can begin to cope with and heal from it. You deserve some relief from these feelings; no one deserves to feel like a bad person, day in and day out.